Let My Heart Be Broken

Psalm 51:17
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart— These, O God, You will not despise.

Bob Pierce was a fiery Youth for Christ evangelist who became well-known as a preacher following World War II. After preaching at a mission school in China in 1947, a little girl named White Jade received Jesus and rushed home to tell her family. In response, they disowned her and threw her out of her house. The little girl turned to a missionary for help, but she already had six children in her care. The missionary told Pierce, “Give me five dollars a year, and I will take care of her.” Pierce agreed, and that was the catalyst for him to start World Vision in 1950.

After China, Pierce visited South Korea, where mothers and children wandered the streets in the bitter cold after their husbands left to fight in the war. Appalled by the suffering he saw, Pierce wrote in his Bible, “Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God.” That became his life’s theme—and mine.

When I first became homeless in 2004, I had little or no compassion for the thousands of homeless in my city. In fact, I considered them dangerous, which they often are, due to the addictions and mental illnesses that afflict so many of them. I can only remember a few times when I felt brave enough to give money or food or clothing to any of them.

And suddenly, I was one of them. I ended up living at a poor, tiny church for nine months, where they started a women’s shelter so I would have a place to stay. Once I was there, we were able to bring in other homeless women. I slept with them, ate with them, gave them rides and money, cried with them, and taught them about the Bible.

Two years later, I am still coming out of homelessness. I have been living in a transitional shelter (9 month program) with six of my children and my time there has expired. I haven’t earned a decent income (above poverty level) for almost a year. I’ve applied for over a hundred jobs and started a couple of different businesses, but nothing worked. I find I am totally unmotivated to make money, which is surprising to me. Not too long ago, I remembered Bob Pierce’s desire and began asking God to break MY heart with the things that break HIS heart.

And suddenly I had two job offers. One was to be Operations Manager at a Christian company (a job I thought I would really love), the other as a software trainer and support specialist with a nonprofit. At first, the Christian company offered me more money, and I accepted. But then they reduced their offer to the same amount as the nonprofit. And I began to think. Where could God use me the most? I called accepted the job at the nonprofit, even though it pays less than half what I was making a couple of years ago.

My second week at my new job, I found a survey my organization did of motel families in Anaheim. They interviewed over 892 people. Many refused to be interviewed for fear of being kicked out of their room. As I read the report I started weeping. These were hard-working families, many with family members who suffered from addictions or mental illnesses. Surprisingly, the majority were white, not minorities (Anaheim has a large Hispanic population). Even a cheap motel is more expensive than an apartment, so they poured all their money into motel rooms and were never able to save for first month’s rent and a deposit. All of the motel owners and residents believed the law required them to move every 30 days, adding to their instability and misery. That law was rescinded 3 years ago, but no one knows it.

As I was crying (and I’m crying now at my desk as I think about it), I realized why God brought me here. It isn’t about the money—my income is so low that I was told by a low-income housing complex that I would have to DOUBLE it to qualify. (God has such a sense of humor!) It’s about what God wants to do through me here. In addition to training shelter employees how to use a software system to track their clients, my boss has asked me to represent our organization as an advocate for the homeless by sitting on the Kennedy Commission for affordable housing (one of the biggest issues for everyone in my county). Every day, I feel completely blessed to be here. I know I am here for a bigger purpose than supporting my family, and God is more than able to make up the shortfall income. In fact, the next time I write the Breads, I guarantee I will have an awesome praise report about how He has miraculously provided for us.

Let your heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God. You won’t regret it.

Cathleen